Making My Own Decisions

 Growing up, I could have been a better decision-maker. I tended to go with the flow and complained if I didn't like the options. I met my husband at the end of my final year of undergraduate studies, and we became a team and made all our decisions for the next fifteen years together. I mean literally every decision. We had a rule that if it was over $100, we would also discuss purchases; it worked well and took the pressure off of him and me by doing it together. My last big buy without him present ended up in a telephone call to buy an Oculus for our son. I got the impulse to buy one at the store; they were on sale, and I secretly called Keith while Liam played with something. We discussed the pros and cons and whether or not I thought it would have any actual longevity as a purchase; I naturally thought yes, so Keith and I agreed, and I told Liam, and we bought it. 

My desktop at the moment, smiles and memories.

Now, I'm the sole adult in this family, parenting and doing everything alone, using my wit and thought processes. It's scary, to say the least. I have never in my life had to be the decision maker. I always had Keith's sage advice, and when I wanted the domineering one to just say no because we weren't sure. I am, truthfully, terrified of messing up so big that Liam and I lose everything. Keith left us enough; God bless that man, to be secure if I play my cards right. I have a full-time job now, but there is still this nagging insecurity that I'm a minute away from blowing all up. 

The point of all this rambling is that I'm deciding whether to finish my Ph.D. I love to write, read, and do all the things entailed in schoolwork (I know, I'm a super nerd). I have a mere four classes left before I start my dissertation, and I am stoked about the topic I have been working on. However, I'm also now the sole adult in the household, working full-time; I have my own mental health struggles, I am grieving (probably forever), and I have a beautifully blossoming son that I do not want to neglect. I know people do it and do so while working, but I don't know if I'm capable of achieving such things in this chapter of my life. My friend said that playing the what-if game will get me nowhere, and I quite agree, but I have to weigh the possibilities before committing to something so huge. Don't I? 

Honestly, I just need some advice. 

Widow

Even now, just over four months in, the word widow seems foreign. The first time I used it to describe myself, I cried on the phone to a stranger at the VA. Keith was a central part of my world, and now that world seems smaller and less grand. That world was unbearable in those first few days, but in time, I have learned to manage and carry that pain with me. 

Amy & Keith

The first days were some of the most challenging days of my life. Without Keith in the world, I could not focus, eat, or understand what was happening and how it was happening. Planning his funeral was one of the worst days. I could not wrap my mind around what I was doing and why. I could not bring myself to the realization that this was happening to us. And still, all I could worry about was Liam and how this affected him. 

Now it seems like everyone I know affected by his death is getting back to "normalcy," and we are still back at the beginning, trying to figure it all out. It is strange to suddenly change direction in life. I had been with Keith since I graduated college; he was there with me through all my major life events, and now I'm here alone, a single mother trying to grasp how to do this on my own, how to take care of my family and just survive. All things considered, we're doing well. Keith left enough for us to get our feet planted, and now it's just figuring out how to wade through the tidal waves of grief. 

Liam has been attending a bereavement class at school, and I have been attending Grief Share at church. We are coping well now. It was touch and go, especially in February, but I think I'm leaning toward God more now, which is helping. Liam is talking to me more about things, and we seem okay. But, as it is with me, I am constantly worried I'm missing the ball somewhere, especially as a Mother. I try my best, and that's all I can do now. It's tough, this new life, it really sucks at times. If you're traveling this unknown world of widowhood, as I am, a lesson I've learned of late is to give yourself a bit of grace. It is hard, and it does suck. 

If you stayed with me to the end, I appreciate you. Thanks for listening to my rambles.