The Beautiful, Exhausting Blur: Finding Peace in the "Full"
If you asked me how I was doing today, I’d probably give you a tired smile and a very honest answer: I am exhausted. I’m currently sitting at the finish line of a graduate school semester, closing my laptop on the final assignments before a well-earned week of silence. But as I look at my calendar, I realize that "silence" is a relative term. Between being a mom, an employee, a grad student, a widow, and the primary "Uber driver" for my young teenager son, Liam, the pace of life feels less like a walk and more like a sprint.
* The Daily Grind: I work on school in the morning, then I work on school work until it's time to pick up Liam. Liam goes to school, and he has track practice every day after school.
After Work/School:
Monday: My dedicated therapy night—working hard to keep my anxiety and depression under control.
Tuesday: A two-hour Taekwondo class for Liam.
Wednesday: Our "out and about" night.
Thursday: Visiting my parents.
Saturday: The "do everything we missed" marathon.
Sunday: The sacred Sunday family dinner tradition at my parents with my siblings and neices.
It’s a lot. Sometimes, late at night with a book in my hand (because I’ll never give up my reading time!), I wonder if I should just "suck it up." Is this just what life looks like now? Is there a few hours I can squeak out some more time for a nap? Or do I just trudge onward?
The Silver Lining (It’s Brighter Than You Think)
For the first time since I left my teaching position at Central State University, I love my work. The transition wasn't easy, but the balance I’ve found in this new role is a gift. It’s the foundation that allows me to show up for Liam—who, by the way, is doing absolutely great—and for myself in therapy and grad school.
The tiredness I feel isn't the heavy, stagnant exhaustion of being stuck in a life I hate. It’s the "good tired" of a life that is finally, beautifully full.
Shifting the Narrative
Instead of "sucking it up," I’m learning to soak it up. * Those minutes in the car driving Liam to the track and everywhere else? That’s our time.
The late-night study sessions? That’s me building a future.
The Friday nights when the calendar is finally blank? That’s my sanctuary.
Being a widow and a solo parent means I carry the weight of two people, but it also means I get to witness every one of Liam’s milestones with a unique, fierce perspective. I’m learning that it’s okay to be tired when you’re busy building a life you’re actually proud of. Not to mention, if Keith is looking down on us all the time, which I suspect he is. He is definitely getting a show worth watching. At any rate, we do so knowing that the small joys in life that mean so much are always shared with him.
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