A Rambling Mama

 Growing up, I could have been a better decision-maker. I tended to go with the flow and complained if I didn't like the options. I met my husband at the end of my final year of undergraduate studies, and we became a team and made all our decisions for the next fifteen years together. I mean literally every decision. We had a rule that if it was over $100, we would also discuss purchases; it worked well and took the pressure off of him and me by doing it together. My last big buy without him present ended up in a telephone call to buy an Oculus for our son. I got the impulse to buy one at the store; they were on sale, and I secretly called Keith while Liam played with something. We discussed the pros and cons and whether or not I thought it would have any actual longevity as a purchase; I naturally thought yes, so Keith and I agreed, and I told Liam, and we bought it.  My desktop at the moment, smiles and memories. Now, I'm the sole adult in this family, parenting and doing eve

Even now, just over four months in, the word widow seems foreign. The first time I used it to describe myself, I cried on the phone to a stranger at the VA. Keith was a central part of my world, and now that world seems smaller and less grand. That world was unbearable in those first few days, but in time, I have learned to manage and carry that pain with me.  Amy & Keith The first days were some of the most challenging days of my life. Without Keith in the world, I could not focus, eat, or understand what was happening and how it was happening. Planning his funeral was one of the worst days. I could not wrap my mind around what I was doing and why. I could not bring myself to the realization that this was happening to us. And still, all I could worry about was Liam and how this affected him.  Now it seems like everyone I know affected by his death is getting back to "normalcy," and we are still back at the beginning, trying to figure it all out. It is strange to suddenly